The good news is that The Amazing Race is back, with some interesting changes. The bad news is that at some point we're probably going to have to deal with a task that involves that stupid gnome statue. Oddly enough I don't have much of a problem with product placement, but that gnome deal is getting old.
We open with some impressive-looking Marine helicopters flying over Southern California. Phil voice-overs that it's "0700 Hours" and that it's from this location that teams are going to racearoundtheworld (drink) for One Million Dollars. You can hear the capital letters when he says it, and he's probably the only guy in the world who can say "One Million Dollars" without making you think of Dr. Evil. The teams are on their way to the National Guard station there as the starting point for the race.
We go into the opening introductions for each team and there's not much new there: the hot chicks think they have a natural advantage, the deaf kid is throwing off the "handicapped people can do anything" vibe, the bickering couple, and so on. I'm not recapping all that; we can get to know the teams as we move along.
Phil offers up the rules: Eleven legs, eight pit stops which are elimination points, and you have to get to them fast because if you're last--and here, the continuity breaks as the camera angle changes and we see Phil's first eyebrow pop (drink), which he wasn't doing on the other side of the edit--you'll be eliminated. Teams have to run to the bags, read the first clue and jump into the cars.
The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe. GO!
And the first clue sends everyone to Switzerland. Teams are given a choice of one of two flights to take. One goes through Zurich; the other through Milan. From there they take a train to Locarno. Everyone jumps into cars and notes how crazy it is that they're on the show. Luke, who is deaf, signs "We're on The Amazing Race." Thanks, dude.
Credits. The theme music has been changed, not so it's unrecognizable, but it's been re-scored. I'm hearing more drums this time around. And perhaps a chorus? Also, the show's logo has been updated. (Note the swell new icon at the top of the post.) It's a shame the show's theme doesn't have lyrics, isn't it? "Come be in the-A-mazing Race, you'll take a trip..." something, something. I'm still working on it.
We also get a new view of the Amazing Map Lines. The map itself is a little more topographical and 3-D looking, but don't fool yourself: we're still in Standard Definition. Also, the lines are kind of skinny and tough to see. It wasn't until a second viewing that I noticed that there were dotted lines running across the landscape to represent the trains. Bigger and brighter lines, guys!
The Lufthansa flight, going to Zurich, winds up with Tammy & Victor, Christie & Jodi, Jaime & Cara, Mark & Michael, Brad & Victoria, and Margie & Luke. The Air France flight has Kisha & Jen, Mel & Mike, Amanda & Kris, Preston & Jennifer, and Steve & Linda. Kisha notes that they got information that the train ride from Milan to Locarno is much shorter than the one from Zurich. So at least they're thinking.
We're given practically no airport scene for this part of the race, and that's all good. Unless something important actually happens, I don't need to know about it. The planes land and teams head for the train. In Zurich, the train station is at the airport itself. The Milan train's location isn't as clear, but apparently there's enough confusion that Preston & Jennifer miss their train.
We get a split screen to jump us from one train to the other, then jump back to Zurich, where Preston & Jennifer are getting on another train. They celebrate this new train by fighting with each other.
Meanwhile, Christie & Jodi have found themselves a Fern, who is going to the same place. She helps them sneak off that train and onto another one which gets in thirteen minutes sooner. It's not till the train is back in motion that they're missed.
In Locarno, teams have to find the Church of San Antonio, where they sign up for a departure time and get a note from the priest who's standing there. The departure times are 7:00, 7:15 and 7:30. Christie & Jodi get there first, followed by the others. By the time Mel & Mike get there, it's dark. But that's okay, they're pretty much bunched anyway. The note directs the teams to a campsite from which they'll make these departures.
At the campsite: Luke makes a big deal about being in the top four, as though that's relevant at this point. Steve gives Linda a raft of crap about not being so fast. Linda is sad, but she did sign on to be in a race, after all. I'm just saying.
Commercials. I'd snark on 'em but that's what DVR is for. See? Product placement is my own fault.
Next morning at 7:15, the first four teams are given a postcard with a photograph of a dam and the inscription "Wish You Were Here." It's up to them to figure out that the picture is the Verzasca Dam, where Phil tells us their next clue is located. See, I like that sort of clue, where you have to be at least a little bit clever. Most of the teams cleverly hail a taxi and show the photo to the drivers, who seem to know where it is. Christie & Jodi can't find a cab, however. It's strongly hinted that this is because they're on the wrong side of the building. These are the flight attendants with the mad travel skillz, yo.
The 7:30 group starts to emerge and get cabs. Christie & Jodi finally get a cab and encourage him to hurry, in SPANISH.
Mark & Michael, the diminutive stuntmen, arrive at the dam first and it's a Roadblock. "Who has nerves of steel?" is the clue. The lucky team member will be bungee-jumping into the gorge below the dam, a drop of over 70 stories and (only) the second-highest bungee jump in the world. Hey, they've gotta save something good for a future season. What follows is a whole lot of people saying "Oh my God" as they look over the side, as they jump into the gorge, as they watch their partner go down, etc etc etc. Naturally, there's also a mini-camera attached to them so we can see their reactions as they fall. Stuff like that is probably the reason the show isn't in HD.
As the teams finish the Roadblock, they get their next clue, which tells them to take a train to Interlaken where, as Phil explains, they'll have to look for a place called Kleine Rugen Wiese. Somehow, Tammy & Victor finished first. I thought the stuntmen got in first, but what the hell. The stuntmen take off in second place. We see a few more, and now it's Jodi, who is apparently scared to death. She's a flight attendant who's scared of heights, get it? Ha, ha! Commercials.
Jodi makes the jump and lives through it. In fact, for all her fear, she's a pretty cool cucumber now.
Back at the Locarno train station. Tammy & Victor, Mark & Michael, Margie & Luke and Mel & Mike all make the same train, despite Victor's rather weak attempt to throw them off the trail.
The other teams finish their jumps. Steve & Linda are still in last place.
Train station. Brad & Victoria are debating trains when the flight attendants show up. Brad & Victoria let them go ahead in line while they discuss it. Christie & Jodi choose a train that's about to leave right away, but Brad & Victoria realize that there's a train leaving almost an hour later that actually gets to Interlaken sooner. They decide to pretend to miss the train, and Christie & Jodi ride off, alone.
The lead teams have arrived in Interlaken, and it's not long before they find Kleine Rugen Wiese, which Babelfish tells me translates to "Small Rugen Meadow." Educational! We see about a dozen guys in traditional clothes beating on...kettles? big iron bells? Who the hell knows, it's raucous, and it's the Detour. Teams are expected to choose a pair of "traditional antique cheese racks" and climb to the top of a hill. At the top of a hill is a cheese-aging shed. They have to transport two hundred pounds of cheese from the shed to...another shed, this one at the bottom of the hill. We're looking at each team moving four fifty-pound wheels of cheese. (Remember that phrase, "Wheels of Cheese".) The racks are hard to describe; they're sort of like the bastard son of a big backpack and a ladderback chair. The hill is easier to describe, and Margie puts it well: "It was so slippery and so terrifying. You had a lot of mud and animal poop."
Teams are practically killing themselves getting up the hill, never mind the cheese. Mel has pulled a groin muscle somewhere so he's having a tough time on level ground at this point. The other issue is that the "traditional antique cheese racks" are pretty flimsy, giving way under the weight of the cheese, or the person who happens to slip and land on it, or even a stiff breeze. A few of these cheese wheels break free from the racks and start rolling downhill. And let me tell you, these things fly down the hill. The guys beating on the drum kettle things are having a riotous good time watching this. So are the people in my living room watching this.
Luke falls and loses his cheese, which is only barely stopped by some wire fencing. Seriously, I thought the fence was going to go down. Mel is scooting down the hill on his butt, with the cheese in his lap. Tammy loses her cheese, which goes whipping past Mel, who says more to himself than anyone else, "Don't let a cheese hit me."
Meanwhile, the flight attendants have searched their entire train and discovered they're the only team on it. They're peeved because they've been lied to by Tammy & Victor.
Luke and Margie reach the bottom of the hill, but they still have to go get their Fugitive Cheeses. They do this and are the first to get on the scoreboard. Mike may be the only one with an intact rack at this point. He delivers his first cheese, as do the brothers. Tammy & Victor get their first load on the rack. Margie & Luke decide to use Mel's method to get their second loads down the hill, and actually manage to pass him, so they're the first to finish the task, and they get their clue directing them to the Pit Stop.
Racers must now take a taxi to what Phil calls "the last postal stop" in Schtechelberg. Once there, they'll have to listen for a group of yodelers, who will lead them to the Amazing Mat. Last team to check in will be eliminated.
Mike leads Mel back up the hill by hand. Tammy & Victor finish, with Mark & Michael right behind them. Suddenly a bunch of teams all arrive at the same time: Kisha & Jen, Jaime & Cara, Brad & Victoria, Amanda & Kris, and Preston & Jennifer. Mel & Mike finish as Steve & Linda arrive. Steve carries both racks up the hill; Linda is killing herself getting up there.
Christie & Jodi are still on the train.
Steve begins pushing Linda up the hill from behind. The other teams are on their way down. The flight attendants finally arrive in Interlaken. They get to the site and are relieved to see that they're no longer alone.
Cut to Schtechelberg. Luke can't hear any yodelers, of course, but at least he's got Margie. She can hear them, but the problem is that all the yodeling is echoing all about them, so they're not that easy to find. And Tammy & Victor are hot on their heels. We get the point-of-view shot up to the Amazing Mat, and its...Margie & Luke. Phil says aloud, "Margie and Luke?", then signs "You [are] Team Number One." Phil then checks in Tammy & Victor, and Mark & Michael, who also managed to zip in pretty quickly. Phil turns back to Luke and asks him why it was so important to be in the race. Luke again gives us the "handicapped people can do anything" spiel.
Back on Cheese Hill. Jennifer's rack is empty (insert your own Playboy joke here), and she's steadying Preston's rack, which has two wheels on it. A moment later, he loses his balance and as he goes down his rack (of course) shatters. Steve has hit on the idea of using his broken rack as a kind of sled, and he's got three wheels of cheese on it. Linda is doing the same thing with a single cheese wheel. Kris takes to carrying a wheel on each shoulder, and never mind the racks.
Amanda & Kris finish next and are gone. Preston and Jennifer make their second trek up the hill. Steve & Linda are done (having done it all in a single trip) and are on their way to sixth place.
Mel & Mike check in as Team Number Four.
Brad & Victoria finish the cheese task, suspiciously clean. They're headed for the Pit Stop. The cheerleaders finish, and so do Kisha & Jen.
Amanda & Kris, you are Team Number Five.
Jodi & Christie are working with a broken rack and scooting down on their butts. Jennifer & Preston are on their way out, in tenth place. The flight attendants leave in last place.
In the parking lot at the Pit Stop, Linda notices footprints and suggests a path to follow. Steve points out that they're headed into a river. Steve falls and lands on his backpack. Heh.
Brad & Victoria are checked in as Team Number Six, and they comment their opinion that they may be the only team to do the entire cheese task upright. Phil has them turn around and, sure enough, their pants are perfectly clean.
Jaime & Cara check in. Steve & Linda are still wandering about. "God, we're such dumbasses!" Linda says, and I'm not necessarily disagreeing with her. Kisha & Jen are Team Number Eight.
Steve & Linda FINALLY find the Amazing Mat. Phil gives them a smile and a pop of the eyebrow that was probably loud enough to tip off the other teams to his location. They're Team Number Nine and glad to be there.
Preston & Jennifer, and Christie & Jodi arrive at the Pit Stop almost simultaneously. A foot race begins, but Jennifer begins to slow down and the flight attendants pass her. At some point, as they approach the Amazing Mat, Preston has begun carrying Jennifer on his back. The flight attendants are checked in as Team Number Ten, and that's all for Preston & Jennifer, who are Philiminated. Viewers across the nation rejoice, as teams as irritating as this are so rarely knocked out early on.
Next week: Linda is sad again. Also, lost. And, Margie & Luke are hurling pies at each other, but apparently it's not as hilarious as you'd think. Not to them, anyway.
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