Survivor 18-3: "Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This"

Previously: Jalapao eats bugs. Timbira has some personality issues. The first Exile takes place and Taj & Brendan share the Hidden Immunity Idol clue. Coach thinks that Tribal Council is a form of chemotherapy and Candace is sent packing. Who will be voted out...tonight?

Night 6 in Timbira and Erinn is worried that her previous pairing up with Candace may hurt her in the end. She spends some time backpedaling with the rest of the tribe. Coach interviews that this insults his intelligence and that of the rest of the tribe. Because he knows what everyone's thinking.

Credits. Sydney's got some serious blue in those eyes.

Sunrise on Day 7 and we're still in Timbira. Erinn is still a little weirded out by her position in the new tribe. She opines that she has to "outperform" in the next challenge, because she's feeling vulnerable.

Jerry decides to pass on breakfast, since it's beans. He hasn't eaten dinner the night before, and he thinks the beans are affecting his digestive system. He opts for a little rice instead. Jerry interviews that he's been to Afghanistan and doesn't like to show any weakness; maybe another day or so will have him feeling better. Jerry relaxes in the shelter. Erinn asks him how he's feeling, and he spouts the show's title.

Meanwhile in Jalapao, several tribe members are fishing in the water with the net. They're essentially catching bait, rather than the gigantic fish feast Stephen had expected. The net is too big to be a throw net, so perhaps maybe they should be stringing it across part of the river. They use the minnows to catch some larger fish. Stephen catches probably his first ever. JT catches a nice one, and the tribe has fresh fish. Joe says that the fish "tastes like victory." Maybe they shouldn't have used napalm to start the fire that morning?

Come on in, guys!

The reward challenge involves six tribe members being blindfolded and tied in pairs. They'll be guided by the seventh tribe member, through a maze to collect buckets, then out of the maze to a tower which will dispense water into the buckets. The bucket is brought to another station and dumped down a chute. When enough water goes down the chute, a flag wll raise for the tribe. Then the tribe does it again with dried corn from another tower. The prize is a tarp, umbrella, pillows, chairs and a hammock. Winning team chooses someone for Exile, exiled loser chooses a winner to join in the Exile Goodness.

Joe is calling for Jalapao, Debra is calling for Timbira. Survivors ready?...Go!

Probst's narration makes it tough to hear how the directions are going but it's pretty clear through the entire thing that Jalapao has their act together while Timbira, not so much. Brendan and Jerry practically leave the course altogether despite the directions they're given. They don't even have their bucket yet. Timbira tries stringing the entire team together into a train. Jalapao has the first flag up before Timbira has their first bucket of water in the chute. How Debra's shouting "Right! Right! Right!" can be so wrong is beyond me. Probst notes that Timbira is "really blowing this challenge." Jalapao's second flag goes up and that's that.

Coach lets out with a couple of nonverbal "argh""-type noises, and Stephen looks more taken aback by this than perhaps he ought. I'm thinking that there was some editing going on there, and Coach actually hollered something that they couldn't air.

Brendan is sent to Exile and he takes Taj with him again. Probst asks Spencer whether this is suspicious, and Spencer thinks not. Off they go to Exile. Before we go to commercials, Coach spouts a little more nonsense about winners and losers.

Timbira returns to camp and Coach is interviewing about his scream at the end of the challenge, what he described as a "primal yell" because he was so pissed off. See what I mean? This isn't anything like what we saw earlier. Debra (I think, the voice is off-camera) thinks it's counterproductive to give in to the anger. On camera, she thinks she let the team down somehow. Coach suggests NOT going into groups to discussed who screwed up today. Next thing we see, of course, is Coach and Tyson discussing who screwed up today. Tyson thinks it's somewhere between funny and empowering that Coach thinks of him as his "assistant coach", and notes that the rest of the tribe is seeing what he calls "a little bit of a schoolboy crush on me". He interviews that, who knows, maybe he'll be promoted. And if he gets put on the other tribe, he'll demand that they call him "Coach", too. And the weird thing is that I STILL can't tell if he was joking or not.

Jalapao, standing around and congratulating themselves. They put the tarp up over their shelter just in time for the rain.

Timbira, getting rained on. Coach interviews that Jalapao seems to be a dirtier group than they are, overall, so maybe they need the tarp and such more than Timbira does. Then he starts talking about how the pillows maybe weren't that comfortable and the blankets were probably scratchy anyway. (OK, I may have made that last part up.) He says that he doesn't care about comfort or shelter anymore. "Let me bury myself in the sand, get eaten by tarantulas, and bitten by snakes." As if he'd actually come through on that promise.

Exile "Island", as if the producers are kidding anyone. The urns are again waiting for Brendan & Taj, and this time it's Taj who gets the clue. They already know that the Hidden Immunity Idol is back at their camp somewhere, but now they know it's "surrounded by wood". Brendan thinks it's either in the shelter or near the Treemail area. That night, they concoct a means to ensure that they send someone they trust back to Exile should the HIIs not be found before the next time around. Taj tells Brendan to send Stephen; Brendan tells Taj that Sierra should go. They each agree to work their own tribemates, effectively setting up a four-person alliance that actually crosses the tribal lines. It's actually a pretty good idea, IF they can keep it quiet, and IF there are no tribe shakeups before the merge. In a very theatrical moment, Taj laughs about this plan evilly while thunder and lightning punctuate her glee.

Commercials. All the Kool Kids shop at JC Penney! And then they go to their boyfriend at the bodega where he works!

Jalapao's members all comment on how well they slept because of the tarp and blankets, etc, plus they engage in a little schadenfreude about how poorly Timbira probably did in the rain. Sandy jokes about what a sex kitten she is in the morning, and the others react appropriately.

Challenge Field. Brendan and Taj return from Exile. After taking Immunity back from Sandy, Probst explains the challenge. There are a half-dozen crates about four feet tall at the end of a course. Teams run down in pairs to roll the crates back to the near end. The crates are then arranged in a staircase fashion, but in addition to being set up that way, it has to be done in such a way that the tribe's name is spelled out on the side of the completed staircase. So it's a 3-D word puzzle, in a sense. Once the structure is completed, the entire tribe scales the structure and first team to the top, wins.

JT and Taj are first up for Jalapao; Debra and Brendan will start for Timbira. Survivors ready?...Go! Despite Timbira reaching their crate first, JT and Taj have a pretty good rhythm going, and they get their crate back first. Stephen and Sydney are out next for Jalapao, followed closely by Tyson and Sierra. They actually finish first, and now Erinn and Coach are way ahead of Joe and Sandy. Then it's Brendan and Jerry, and JT and Spencer. Jerry is clearly in bad shape by the time he gets back. Joe and Stephen hit the course, as do Coach and Tyson--I'm sorry, Coach and Coach. See? We all have to get into the habit. Heh. The Coaches get back first, and Tyson returns to the course with Brendan. Spencer and Taj go out for the last crate. Timbira gets back with their last crate, and the construction begins. JT seems to have a pretty good idea of what's going on, and so does Erinn. However, Erinn gets into a lot of confused discussion with the rest of the tribe, while Jalapao is moving smoothly. Despite the original lead, Jalapao gets their staircase together first and wins immunity. Timbira is disappointed, but Jerry looks nearly dead. In fact he makes a point of saying "I'm through. I'm finished." He interviews that he felt responsible because he's so weak, and he's a likely target for the Tribal Council that night.

Commercials. It just occurred to me that I never know who gets voted Player of the Week by all the people texting to Sprint. What to do? WHAT TO DO??

Back at camp, Jerry is trying to tough it out, but he's not quitting; they'll have to put him out. Meanwhile, in the river, the tribe is trying to figure out what went wrong at the challenge. Erinn thinks it was a kind of communication breakdown. Everyone else seems to want to move on and is deciding to send Jerry home because he's so sick. Naturally, Erinn is going to be relieved by this because of her perceived position, but naturally Coach (the douchey one, not Coach Jr.) turns this into her having an "evil sneer". Later, he notes to Coach Jr. that he was disgusted by "the look". In fact, this look was so disgusting that he's been practicing it so that he can show it to others. Coach interviews that he needs to keep Tyson on the same page with him, but he also needs to talk to Debra and Sierra.

Coach tells Debra and Sierra about it as well (fortunately this goes on before we see the three of them together), and Sierra's attitude is, of course Erinn's relieved not to be going this time. That's when Coach breaks out the dreaded I-word: Integrity. And in his eyes, Erinn has none. Ah, crap. It's just like divorce. Once that word comes out, there's no turning back. Now we're going to hear it a million times, just like we heard him say "cancer" last week. Sierra interviews that Coach can be all kinds of pissed off, but she's not going to ostracize Erinn about it. After all, it is a social game. In addition, even though they wanted to vote her off on Day One because she looked weak, she's not stupid. So as far as she's concerned it's bye-bye, Jerry this week.

Tyson talks to Jerry and gets him to believe that Erinn is going next and that nobody's thinking about voting him out. I don't see the point of this lie, frankly. Meanwhile, Brendan goes to the Treemail statue and finds the Hidden Immunity Idol stashed in a hidey-hole in the statue. He finds another place nearby to stash the HII.

The sun starts to go down and Jerry still isn't eating. Erinn is still worried about deflecting attention to Jerry without looking like she's throwing him under the bus. Jerry tells the tribe he's starting to feel better. Tyson thinks that Jerry should probably go, even if it means that they can't blindside Erinn. Not that her ouster would be a blindside, since she's fully expecting to go, dumbass.

Tribal Council. Probst asks Tyson about momentum. He thinks that Jalapao might be getting a little arrogant. Probst notes that Erinn appeared to have a plan but that things fell apart quickly anyway. Erinn agrees with this, pointing out that people argued with her just long enough that they lost time and, ultimately, the challenge. She notes that she was pretty frustrated by this. Brendan thinks that despite these problems, the tribe communicates very well, but Jerry disagrees, noting that if everyone had listened to a single person in the first place, they probably would have won. Probst uses this as an opportunity to ask who the tribe's leader should be. Jerry says it should be Brendan, which Coach doesn't necessarily agree with. He says that, while he isn't a named leader of the tribe, on Day One when they were on the truck (and not yet permitted to speak to one another), he was telling everyone "with [his] eyes" who was to retrieve what from the truck.

Erinn rolls her eyes so hard at this that you can actually hear them rattle against her skull. In fact, all of America probably sounds like a bunch of cans of spray paint for the same reason. Probst catches this and asks her about it. She holds her tongue but notes that while Coach is probably used to the position, Brendan appears to do it better. Coach attributes Erinn's attitude to a clash of personality. Erinn responds that she wasn't aware that there was a personality clash going on between them. She also says that Coach can be a little passive-aggressive about his suggestions. It's time to vote.

Coach and his jacket vote. Erinn votes for Jerry. Debra votes, Brendan votes. Jerry votes for Erinn. Tyson votes even though he doesn't have a coat to sling over his shoulder. Sierra votes. Again we get the point of view shot from the urn as Probst comes in for it.

The votes are read. Jerry, Jerry, Erinn, Jerry, Jerry and that's enough. Snuff! and it's Bye-bye, Jerry.

During his exit speech, we see that Coach wrote "Pimp Daddy" on his vote for Jerry. So again, Douche. Jerry notes that this game, with the 100-degree-plus heat and his inability to eat, was much tougher than his time in Afghanistan, and wishes the rest of his tribe well. Good exit, that.

Next time: Snakes! Sydney is a sexpot! Tyson loses his mind and Taj expands her evil plans.

Amazing Race 14-2: "Your Target Is Your Partner's Face"

Playing catchup, now. Dammit. That's what Cheerleading competitions will do to you.

Previously: Phil popped his eyebrow. Linda was berated for not actually racing. Everyone except Brad & Victoria fell on their asses with the cheese task. Preston had to CARRY Jennifer to the mat, and they lost anyway! I KNOW! Oh, and deaf people are now cool because Maggie & Luke came in first. If they hadn't, I guess they'd still be sitting at the Nerd Table in the corner during the Eat/Sleep/Mingle portion of the race.

Credits. Have you noticed that nobody's doing the head-turn this season? It was cheesy but now I miss it.

So we're in the Alps somewhere in southwest Switzerland, our first pit stop. Margie & Luke, of course, are the first out, at 2:56 AM. Teams are expected to fly to Munich, then drive themselves to the town of Ruhpoling. If you pronounce it correctly, "Ruhpoling" sounds like a bunch of people doing their impression of a famous drag queen. Anyway.

Once in Munich, teams have to ride a cable car to the top of a mountain, where their next clue awaits. Maggie & Luke interview the usual "Deaf people can do anything" rap, and it's already old.

Tammy & Victor are out next, only a minute later. They get into the cab and ask the driver to borrow a cell phone. They interview that Victor needs to break the big brother/little sister vibe, so I guess something's going to happen to underline that! What could it be?

Mark & Michael are third to depart. They note that their confidence level is..."right about here", they say, each holding a hand in the air to indicate altitude. I bet they feel five feet tall.

Mel and Mike are in fourth. They're about an hour and a quarter off the lead. Mel notes the pain in his groin from the last leg.

Amanda & Kris depart a half-hour after Mel & Mike. Amanda is a wreck, Kris is all about the stress. So far. Ten minutes later, it's Brad & Victoria on their way to the airport. They, too, are seen borrowing a phone, as are Jaime & Cara, who leave shortly after them.

Kisha & Jen get in a cab and borrow a phone and start taking notes. They, like Tammy & Victor, have an older/younger sibling thing going on.

Steve & Linda are hot on their heels. Steve is going for the redemption arc, noting that he was a little harsh on the last leg. Linda hopes there's a beer-related challenge in Germany. Christie & Jodi leave.

We have several cuts back and forth of all the teams on cell phones, trying to arrange flights. Everyone except the stuntmen, who think that Third Place is an excellent reason to rest on their laurels. Of course it is! Which means that by the time everyone gets to the airport, they have flights lined up. All except for the stuntmen.

At the airport, Mark & Michael are now scrambling for tickets. If only they'd called ahead.

The first flight, leaving at 7:10, has Jaime & Cara, Kisha & Jen, Steve & Linda, Margie & Luke, Mel & Mike, Brad & Victoria, Amanda & Kris, and Tammy & Victor. That's eight out of ten teams. The only reason Christie & Jodi missed out, despite calling ahead, was that there was only one seat left in Economy.

Teams race through the airport and find their cars. Off to the Autobahn! Margie & Luke pair up with the cheerleaders.

Tammy & Victor are the first to the cable car and barely make it onto the next one, leaving Amanda & Kris to wait fifteen minutes for the next one. At the top, it's a Roadblock: "Who's ready to fly like an eagle?" Steve Miller is nowhere in sight, so it's Tammy instead.

The teammate who's going to participate has to paraglide (in tandem) to the bottom of the mountain. The other team member has to take the cable car back down and wait for their partner at the landing area. However, if the wind conditions are unsafe, the instructors will suspend flights. Teams can choose to wait it out, or jog back down the mountain on a marked path, a trip of about one hour.

Kisha & Jen are lost. Rather than, say, ask directions, they just blunder their way around.

Back on the mountain. The wind is too strong to paraglide and teams are coming up the cable car. Tammy elects to jog down.

Kris, Cara, Margie and Mel elect to go down. Mel, however, has the bad leg so he exposits that he has no choice but to wait for the wind to die down.

We split-screen our way back to the airport, where the flight attendants and the stuntmen are arriving on the second flight. Mark (I think) needs to stop saying "rock and roll".

Victoria chooses the paragliding. Steve & Linda are on the way up and just plain enjoying the view. Because really, what else can you do at that point? It's a nice opportunity to relax for a few minutes. Steve interviews his admiration for Linda's overall positive attitude.

The mountaintop is still pretty windy. People are getting ready to bail out and just start walking down. Victoria is first. Well, second. Then Margie and Kris. Mel is looking worried, because he thinks he has no other choice but to wait for the wind to die down a little.

Linda suits up for gliding. She decides to just walk. Mel notes, "They're dropping like flies."

Assorted racers are seen following the marked path down the mountain. Mike is seen worrying about losing time.

The cheerleaders bail on the gliding just as the stuntmen arrive. Mel is worried because now the last-place team has caught up. He weakly tries to psych the others out, but they're not having it.

Everyone starts to walk down the trail. Mel thinks all is lost.

Commericals. I'm listening to a cow talking to me in Korean. Really?

Mel's still worried, as is Mike. Mel notes that he can't pray for divine intervention because God has better things to do. And, just like that, the wind changes. Nice one, God!

Tammy reaches the bottom of the mountain and they get the next clue. Teams now have to drive to the Schönau am Königsee, and find their next clue near the bobsled track.

Mel jumps off the mountain.

Margie reaches the bottom, then Kris. Margie & Luke map it out, Amanda & Kris get directions from a local, most of which involves big sweeping arm gestures "that way, then that way."

Victoria gets to the bottom. Incidentally, I think this episode has more instances of the camera crew getting their shadows into shots than all other episodes of the entire series combined. If you made a drinking game out of this show, "camera crew in the shot" would be a big item, because they're usually so good at staying out of it. But you're getting drunk tonight!

Mike is in the cable car, watching Mel glide down. Mel is awed by the view and notes that he could stay up there all day, if he had a sandwich. Heh. Upon his landing, they've gone from last to fifth.

Linda misses a marker and goes the wrong way. Cara and Mark are shown catching the same sign and going in the correct direction.

Tammy & Victor get to Schönau am Königsee, and it's a Detour. The choice: Balancing Dolly or Austrian Folly. In Balancing Dolly, teams have to ride a Segway through a two-mild obstacle course. Because this is what Bavaria is known for...? In Austrian Folly, teams have to throw cakes at a target to find the one with the cherry filling. And the target? Duh, read the episode title. But the teams won't know that part till they get there. Tammy & Victor choose Austrian Folly.

It is indeed a beer-related task. Unfortunately for Linda, the only beer drinking going on is the batch of locals in the tent with the pies. So there's music, and merriment, and general hilarity going on as the teams enter. A banner strung across the ceiling of the tent reads (in that fancy Bavarian-type script), "Achtung Baby! your target is your partner's face. [sic]". Tammy geniuses, "I think we throw at each other." Let the pie-throwing begin! There are a few tosses back and forth, and Tammy thinks she got cream in her eye. Insert your own porno joke here.

Victor takes the cherry hit and they get their next clue. They have to make their way on foot to find a couple of woodcutters, who will cut a small piece of wood from a log. The wood will then be stamped with their next clue. The part they're not told is that the woodcutters are mechanical. I presume that this gizmo is a tourist thing, since there's a whole deal for putting a coin in a box to activate them, and I guess the regular tourists would get something other than a clue stamped on their chunk of wood.

Tammy & Victor get directions to the woodcutters and the clue tells them to drive themselves to Schloss Helbrunn, where the Amazing Mat is located. Last team to check in may be eliminated.

Or perhaps you knew that.

Tammy & Victor are so far ahead that they consider it a "leisurely stroll" to the pit stop.

Linda is still lost on the mountain. Mark and Cara arrive at the bottom and are on their way to Schönau am Königsee. Jen gets to the botttom and they're off. Linda finally emerges by the side of a highway and is worried that Steve is going to hate her now. More crying on her part.

The flight attendants are reunited and read the clue: "Drive yourselves to...that word." Nice job, World Traveler.

Linda is walking along the road now. Commericals.

When we come back, Linda actually manages to hitch a ride with someone back to the cable cars. I'm sure they'd incur a penalty for that, but whatever.

Tammy & Victor, you are Team Number One. And for their efforts, they've each won a hybrid go-kart. Phil notes that the two of them, with the cake all over themselves, look either ridiculous or becoming.

Amanda & Kris take the Austrian Folly detour. They find the cherry in short order. As they look for the woodcutters, they remark that the pie is pretty tasty.

Linda is reunited with Steve, finally, but they're in last place. We get some interview from Steve

about how he respects her for her ability to race with the twenty year olds, and it's pretty clear from the food all over him which detour they chose.

Amanda & Kris head for the pit stop.

Mel & Mike opt for the Segway detour; Margie wants to do the pies, Luke wants to ride the Segways. Mom, of course wins. Luke interviews, "What can I do? She's my mother." Heh.

Some cutting back and forth with the Segways and the pies. Margie & Luke appear to be taking longer than the previous two teams. And, in fact, Mel & Mike do finish first. Luke is getting pretty frustrated. Mel & Mike get their wooden clue and head for the pit stop.

Kisha and Jen are lost again. The flight attendants head for the detour. Steve & Linda are having some healing time. Split-screen back to the pies and Margie & Luke FINALLY find the right one. Brad & Victoria start hurling pies and seem to find the cherry in short order. Off to the wooden clue and the pitstop.

The cheerleaders go for the Segways, as do the stuntmen. The flight attendants can't find the detour clue and Kisha & Jen, of all people, have to give them directions.

Amanda & Kris get directions to the pit stop. Mel & Mike arrive there and are stymied by the iron gate. Mike pulls and pulls on the gate and finally decides to try climbing over it. This leads to an uber-browpop from Phil, looking directly into the camera.

Amanda & Kris arrive. Mike climbs down off the gate and a third party simply lifts the latch and opens it. Mel & Mike, you are Team Number Two. Amanda & Kris check in shortly therafter.

The cheerleaders finish up and head for the pit stop. Margie & Luke are checked in as Team Number Four. Brad & Victoria check in.

Mark & Michael , and Kisha & Jen get the wood clues and head for the pitstop. You can see the sun's starting to go down.

The flight attendants are throwing pies at one another.

Darkness falls. We get a graphic telling us that the leg is now 14 hours old. Is that all? Jaime & Cara are Team Number Six.

Steve & Linda arrive at the Detour, but we already know which one they choose. The flight attendants read the clue: "Time to hoof it. Get a piece of wood..." They start looking around and find someone who explains that one of the words refers to cutting wood.

Steve & Linda begin throwing food. The flight attendants are wandering around, not knowing what they're supposed to be doing. One of them actually picks up a chunk of 2x4 and they start looking for someone to stamp it. Steve & Linda are making a game of the pie throwing.

The flight attendants are still disoriented. I think maybe it's because they're not used to facing forward on the planes that's got them all discombobulated. Steve & Linda find the cherry pie. The blondies, meanwhile, think that maybe if they simply walk through the Segway "Finish" gate, that'll be the end of it. This doesn't work, go figure. Commercials.

When we come back, Steve & Linda, and Christie & Jodi are still wandering about looking for the wooden clue. Kisha & Jen are disoriented yet AGAIN. The stuntmen appear to be lost as well.

A local finally directs the attendants to the woodcutter clue. One of them notes, "We've got to stop being so literal." So she gets points for the self-assessment. Steve & Linda get their clue.

Christie & Jodi are looking for directions and it turns out they're pointed the wrong way. Linda has an idea of where to go, but pointing in the right direction isn't enough for Steve.

Kisha & Jen are Team Number Seven. Mark & Michael are Team Number Eight.

Christie & Jodi and Steve & Linda appear to be in a footrace, at least as they arrive at the pit stop in the cars. But when Christie & Jodi arrive on the Amazing Mat, the other team is nowhere in sight. Phil has plenty of time to tell them to get their asses in gear.

Steve & Linda check in and are Philiminated. For a change, it's Steve who breaks down and starts crying, but Linda joins in with him. In a reasonably classy move, he notes it as a team failure, not Linda's screwing up. So, happy ending for those two anyway, I guess.

Next Week: Gymnastics in Romania, Amanda & Kris may be in trouble because of a lost fanny pack, and Tammy & Victor are starting to fray around the edges a little more.

Survivor 18-2: "The Poison Apple Needs To Go"

Last week: Everyone arrives in Brazil. Jalapao goes to its first Tribal Council and enacts its first blindside. Who will be voted out...tonight?

Jalapao, immediately after the Tribal Council. The team convinces themselves they did the right thing and Sandy says that Carolina has nobody to blame but herself. But they're all swearing that Sandy is next anyway.

Credits. It amuses me that the eliminated people disappear each week, making the sequence a little quicker until they get to the Jury.

Day 5 at Jalapao and Joe decides that they're in need of protein. Several of them go find a termite mound and kick it over, then start picking up the bugs & eating them like so many M&Ms. Sandy wants to save some of them for bait, but she's overridden. A couple of them start gnawing on a huge larva but most of them are turned off by Steve's obvious distaste.

Timbira. The team is having problems starting a fire, despite having flint. But wait! That's not why they're stupid.

You probably remember that Sierra, upon arriving at the camp ahead of all the others, decided to do the decent thing and build the shelter instead of looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Despite all of her hard work, she decides that she's still not feeling the love, and maybe having a HII isn't such a bad idea after all. Sierra recruits Brandon to help her find it, and they head off to the beach together.

Unlike Sandy, Sierra and Brandon have some idea what a "pace" is, but their sense of direction appears to be impaired, as they locate what appears to be the stick and count off the ten paces. Then they start digging. And digging. And digging. That's one big honkin' hole they've got going on, here. There comes a point where you might think, "Hey, maybe we walked toward the wrong tree" because by now they could bury themselves alive and just be done with it, but no. It also doesn't occur to them that perhaps they're taking a long time and the rest of the tribe might go looking for them.

Debbie finds them on the beach and asks what they're up to. Sierra, thinking fast, tells her that it's a bonfire pit. "So we can pretend we're on the beach or something." Because they wouldn't be on the beach already? Maybe later on, they can pretend they're on TV or something. Dumbass.

But wait! If you think Sierra is a dumbass, then you'll love Debbie's reaction. She thinks it's a great idea and heads back to tell the rest of the tribe what they're up to. And they're a bunch of morons too, because they're pretty much okay with it. Nobody is suspicious of this? Are they already starved to the point of stupidity?

The only other guess I have is that, because the hole is so big, Debbie's gone far beyond the point of thinking that they're looking for something, because it's not as though a HII has ever been buried in a hole six feet long, four feet wide and three or four feet deep. Who the hell knows. And, for all their effort, they don't find anything.

Commercials. You know, I'm typing this on my brand-new Dell laptop, and I don't have hot chicks climbing all over me. Now I know why the red carapace costs fifty dollars more.

When we come back, we're still at Timbira. There's debate over whether to cook rice, beans, or rice and beans all in one pot. This is one bored team. It's clear that there's a little friction between Coach and Candace, however. Candace confessionals that in other circumstances she would have brought it on, made him cry, yada yada yada. We're treated to some kiss-and-make-up footage without the kissing, although it's not for lack of trying on Coach's part. Well, he tried the French kiss thing on the side of her head.

Jalapao. Everyone's chitchatting and Taj lets it slip that her husband is Eddie George, the famous football analyst. Now most of the team is pretty much in the "she doesn't need the money" camp, with the possible exception of Stephen, who has no idea who Eddie George is. Don't feel bad, Stephen: I watch football and I'm not clear on Eddie George.

Come on in, Guys!

This week is a combination reward/immunity challenge, which involves a game that's somewhere between Greco-Roman wrestling, water polo and basketball. In the rain. The reward is a bunch of fishing gear. In addition, the winning tribe sends someone to Exile, plus another twist which will be revealed after the challenge. Debbie sits out the challenge.

This is one of the more physical challenges I've seen that didn't involve people nearly dying, like we saw last season. There's a lot of blurring done by the post-production crew on both teams and both sexes. This is the least sexy girl fighting I've ever seen. Timbira goes up 2-0 in this three-point game, but Jalapao catches up and ultimately wins the challenge.

Although Coach appeared to be dragging on the second-to-last point, I don't think Timbira's loss could really be hung on anyone; it's largely a matter of who ran out of steam first. Both teams looked pretty bushed by the end.

Jalapao decides to send Brandon to Exile, and the twist is that Brandon gets to choose someone from Timbira to join him. Brandon selects Taj. Timbira has a day and a half to figure out who's getting voted out; Tyson opines in an interview that it's probably Sierra.

After the commercial, Jalapao returns to camp, victorious. And off they go to do some fishing. JT seems to have some clue about using the fishing gear, which starts a man-crush in Stephen's heart. He actually uses the word "smitten." JT is digging the attention. Despite not catching any fish, Stephen thinks it was a successful outing because they're like BFFs now.

Exile. Brandon and Taj arrive and find some supplies, plus a pair of urns. One urn (the one chosen by Taj) is empty; the other contains a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol. Since they're not going anywhere anyway, he shares this information with her and they manage to figure out that it's hidden back at their camp. Well, Taj figures it out. Brandon realizes it right after Taj points it out to him based on the way the note is worded. So now Brandon is wise to TWO HIIs being hidden at his camp. He spends some time bonding with Taj and trying to figure out how they can both go back to Exile so that they'll have a monopoly on the clues.

Back at Timbira, the team eats rice & beans and discusses who needs to go home. Candace thinks that Coach isn't getting it done and wants him gone. Debbie leaks this information to him and he begins his own campaign to send Candace home.

This is where Coach, to me, is full of crap. Last week he was all about keeping the stong people together; early on it's all about the strong people and how they need to survive. Apparently that's only when they're all on the same page with him. So rather than continue with the original plan to oust Sierra, he's going to go after Candace. Bah.

Brandon comes back from Exile and tells most of the truth about his experience, lying only about the fact that he received the HII clue.

Coach interviews that he's publicly stating that Sierra is going but he's still working on getting the others to vote for Candace. For the third time in a few minutes he refers to Candace as a "cancer." Enough, already. Despite assurances from Coach, Sierra interviews that she's still nervous as we get a shot of the empty hole that's still on the beach.

Tribal Council. Probst reminds everyone that the original vote-out was for Sierra and how the team was able to use the multi-mile hike as a bonding experience in which she didn't participate.

Coach notes that at this point in the game nobody's going to tell you that you're not fitting in. Brandon relates a little about his stay at Exile. Jerry notes how important trust is in this game and that he's bonded with his tribe, so he's going to have a hard time voting tonight. Errin, on the other hand, doesn't have a problem. She doesn't think anyone really knows anyone yet.

Tyson votes. Candace votes for Sierra. Debbie votes. Sierra votes for Candace, calling her a "snake in the grass". Jerry votes. Brandon votes, Erin votes. Coach slings his jacket over his shoulder as he walks up to the voting booth. The look in Probst's eye says that even he thinks Coach is kind of a douche for doing that. Coach votes.

We get a rare shot from the voting booth of Probst walking up to the vote urn. He comes back and it's Candace, Sierra, Candace, Candace, Candace, Candace and that's all she wrote. Candace is snuffed and Probst doesn't even have to tell her that it's time for her to go. He does take the time, however, to point out that the team has pulled off its first blindside.

Candace's exit speech is typically bitter. "They're gonna need me." Even the CBS feed is bored with this, as it gets cut off near the end.

Next week: Taj makes a secret, evil alliance, and the teams play with really big blocks.

Amazing Race 14-1: "Don't Let a Cheese Hit Me"

The good news is that The Amazing Race is back, with some interesting changes. The bad news is that at some point we're probably going to have to deal with a task that involves that stupid gnome statue. Oddly enough I don't have much of a problem with product placement, but that gnome deal is getting old.

We open with some impressive-looking Marine helicopters flying over Southern California. Phil voice-overs that it's "0700 Hours" and that it's from this location that teams are going to racearoundtheworld (drink) for One Million Dollars. You can hear the capital letters when he says it, and he's probably the only guy in the world who can say "One Million Dollars" without making you think of Dr. Evil. The teams are on their way to the National Guard station there as the starting point for the race. 

We go into the opening introductions for each team and there's not much new there: the hot chicks think they have a natural advantage, the deaf kid is throwing off the "handicapped people can do anything" vibe, the bickering couple, and so on. I'm not recapping all that; we can get to know the teams as we move along. 

Phil offers up the rules: Eleven legs, eight pit stops which are elimination points, and you have to get to them fast because if you're last--and here, the continuity breaks as the camera angle changes and we see Phil's first eyebrow pop (drink), which he wasn't doing on the other side of the edit--you'll be eliminated. Teams have to run to the bags, read the first clue and jump into the cars. 

The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe. GO!

And the first clue sends everyone to Switzerland. Teams are given a choice of one of two flights to take. One goes through Zurich; the other through Milan. From there they take a train to Locarno. Everyone jumps into cars and notes how crazy it is that they're on the show. Luke, who is deaf, signs "We're on The Amazing Race." Thanks, dude. 

Credits. The theme music has been changed, not so it's unrecognizable, but it's been re-scored. I'm hearing more drums this time around. And perhaps a chorus? Also, the show's logo has been updated. (Note the swell new icon at the top of the post.) It's a shame the show's theme doesn't have lyrics, isn't it? "Come be in the-A-mazing Race, you'll take a trip..." something, something. I'm still working on it. 

We also get a new view of the Amazing Map Lines. The map itself is a little more topographical and 3-D looking, but don't fool yourself: we're still in Standard Definition. Also, the lines are kind of skinny and tough to see. It wasn't until a second viewing that I noticed that there were dotted lines running across the landscape to represent the trains. Bigger and brighter lines, guys!

The Lufthansa flight, going to Zurich, winds up with Tammy & Victor, Christie & Jodi, Jaime & Cara, Mark & Michael, Brad & Victoria, and Margie & Luke. The Air France flight has Kisha & Jen, Mel & Mike, Amanda & Kris, Preston & Jennifer, and Steve & Linda. Kisha notes that they got information that the train ride from Milan to Locarno is much shorter than the one from Zurich. So at least they're thinking. 

We're given practically no airport scene for this part of the race, and that's all good. Unless something important actually happens, I don't need to know about it. The planes land and teams head for the train. In Zurich, the train station is at the airport itself. The Milan train's location isn't as clear, but apparently there's enough confusion that Preston & Jennifer miss their train. 

We get a split screen to jump us from one train to the other, then jump back to Zurich, where Preston & Jennifer are getting on another train. They celebrate this new train by fighting with each other. 

Meanwhile, Christie & Jodi have found themselves a Fern, who is going to the same place. She helps them sneak off that train and onto another one which gets in thirteen minutes sooner. It's not till the train is back in motion that they're missed. 

In Locarno, teams have to find the Church of San Antonio, where they sign up for a departure time and get a note from the priest who's standing there. The departure times are 7:00, 7:15 and 7:30. Christie & Jodi get there first, followed by the others. By the time Mel & Mike get there, it's dark. But that's okay, they're pretty much bunched anyway. The note directs the teams to a campsite from which they'll make these departures. 

At the campsite: Luke makes a big deal about being in the top four, as though that's relevant at this point. Steve gives Linda a raft of crap about not being so fast. Linda is sad, but she did sign on to be in a race, after all. I'm just saying. 

Commercials. I'd snark on 'em but that's what DVR is for. See? Product placement is my own fault. 

Next morning at 7:15, the first four teams are given a postcard with a photograph of a dam and the inscription "Wish You Were Here." It's up to them to figure out that the picture is the Verzasca Dam, where Phil tells us their next clue is located. See, I like that sort of clue, where you have to be at least a little bit clever. Most of the teams cleverly hail a taxi and show the photo to the drivers, who seem to know where it is. Christie & Jodi can't find a cab, however. It's strongly hinted that this is because they're on the wrong side of the building. These are the flight attendants with the mad travel skillz, yo. 

The 7:30 group starts to emerge and get cabs. Christie & Jodi finally get a cab and encourage him to hurry, in SPANISH. 

Mark & Michael, the diminutive stuntmen, arrive at the dam first and it's a Roadblock. "Who has nerves of steel?" is the clue. The lucky team member will be bungee-jumping into the gorge below the dam, a drop of over 70 stories and (only) the second-highest bungee jump in the world. Hey, they've gotta save something good for a future season. What follows is a whole lot of people saying "Oh my God" as they look over the side, as they jump into the gorge, as they watch their partner go down, etc etc etc. Naturally, there's also a mini-camera attached to them so we can see their reactions as they fall. Stuff like that is probably the reason the show isn't in HD. 

As the teams finish the Roadblock, they get their next clue, which tells them to take a train to Interlaken where, as Phil explains, they'll have to look for a place called Kleine Rugen Wiese. Somehow, Tammy & Victor finished first. I thought the stuntmen got in first, but what the hell. The stuntmen take off in second place. We see a few more, and now it's Jodi, who is apparently scared to death. She's a flight attendant who's scared of heights, get it? Ha, ha! Commercials. 

Jodi makes the jump and lives through it. In fact, for all her fear, she's a pretty cool cucumber now.  

Back at the Locarno train station. Tammy & Victor, Mark & Michael, Margie & Luke and Mel & Mike all make the same train, despite Victor's rather weak attempt to throw them off the trail. 

The other teams finish their jumps. Steve & Linda are still in last place. 

Train station. Brad & Victoria are debating trains when the flight attendants show up. Brad & Victoria let them go ahead in line while they discuss it. Christie & Jodi choose a train that's about to leave right away, but Brad & Victoria realize that there's a train leaving almost an hour later that actually gets to Interlaken sooner. They decide to pretend to miss the train, and Christie & Jodi ride off, alone. 

The lead teams have arrived in Interlaken, and it's not long before they find Kleine Rugen Wiese, which Babelfish tells me translates to "Small Rugen Meadow." Educational! We see about a dozen guys in traditional clothes beating on...kettles? big iron bells? Who the hell knows, it's raucous, and it's the Detour. Teams are expected to choose a pair of "traditional antique cheese racks" and climb to the top of a hill. At the top of a hill is a cheese-aging shed. They have to transport two hundred pounds of cheese from the shed to...another shed, this one at the bottom of the hill. We're looking at each team moving four fifty-pound wheels of cheese. (Remember that phrase, "Wheels of Cheese".) The racks are hard to describe; they're sort of like the bastard son of a big backpack and a ladderback chair. The hill is easier to describe, and Margie puts it well: "It was so slippery and so terrifying. You had a lot of mud and animal poop." 

Teams are practically killing themselves getting up the hill, never mind the cheese. Mel has pulled a groin muscle somewhere so he's having a tough time on level ground at this point. The other issue is that the "traditional antique cheese racks" are pretty flimsy, giving way under the weight of the cheese, or the person who happens to slip and land on it, or even a stiff breeze. A few of these cheese wheels break free from the racks and start rolling downhill. And let me tell you, these things fly down the hill. The guys beating on the drum kettle things are having a riotous good time watching this. So are the people in my living room watching this. 

Luke falls and loses his cheese, which is only barely stopped by some wire fencing. Seriously, I thought the fence was going to go down. Mel is scooting down the hill on his butt, with the cheese in his lap. Tammy loses her cheese, which goes whipping past Mel, who says more to himself than anyone else, "Don't let a cheese hit me." 

Meanwhile, the flight attendants have searched their entire train and discovered they're the only team on it. They're peeved because they've been lied to by Tammy & Victor. 

Luke and Margie reach the bottom of the hill, but they still have to go get their Fugitive Cheeses. They do this and are the first to get on the scoreboard. Mike may be the only one with an intact rack at this point. He delivers his first cheese, as do the brothers. Tammy & Victor get their first load on the rack. Margie & Luke decide to use Mel's method to get their second loads down the hill, and actually manage to pass him, so they're the first to finish the task, and they get their clue directing them to the Pit Stop. 

Racers must now take a taxi to what Phil calls "the last postal stop" in Schtechelberg. Once there, they'll have to listen for a group of yodelers, who will lead them to the Amazing Mat. Last team to check in will be eliminated. 

Mike leads Mel back up the hill by hand. Tammy & Victor finish, with Mark & Michael right behind them. Suddenly a bunch of teams all arrive at the same time: Kisha & Jen, Jaime & Cara, Brad & Victoria, Amanda & Kris, and Preston & Jennifer. Mel & Mike finish as Steve & Linda arrive. Steve carries both racks up the hill; Linda is killing herself getting up there. 

Christie & Jodi are still on the train. 

Steve begins pushing Linda up the hill from behind. The other teams are on their way down. The flight attendants finally arrive in Interlaken. They get to the site and are relieved to see that they're no longer alone. 

Cut to Schtechelberg. Luke can't hear any yodelers, of course, but at least he's got Margie. She can hear them, but the problem is that all the yodeling is echoing all about them, so they're not that easy to find. And Tammy & Victor are hot on their heels. We get the point-of-view shot up to the Amazing Mat, and its...Margie & Luke. Phil says aloud, "Margie and Luke?", then signs "You [are] Team Number One." Phil then checks in Tammy & Victor, and Mark & Michael, who also managed to zip in pretty quickly. Phil turns back to Luke and asks him why it was so important to be in the race. Luke again gives us the "handicapped people can do anything" spiel. 

Back on Cheese Hill. Jennifer's rack is empty (insert your own Playboy joke here), and she's steadying Preston's rack, which has two wheels on it. A moment later, he loses his balance and as he goes down his rack (of course) shatters. Steve has hit on the idea of using his broken rack as a kind of sled, and he's got three wheels of cheese on it. Linda is doing the same thing with a single cheese wheel. Kris takes to carrying a wheel on each shoulder, and never mind the racks. 

Amanda & Kris finish next and are gone. Preston and Jennifer make their second trek up the hill. Steve & Linda are done (having done it all in a single trip) and are on their way to sixth place. 

Mel & Mike check in as Team Number Four. 

Brad & Victoria finish the cheese task, suspiciously clean. They're headed for the Pit Stop. The cheerleaders finish, and so do Kisha & Jen. 

Amanda & Kris, you are Team Number Five. 

Jodi & Christie are working with a broken rack and scooting down on their butts. Jennifer & Preston are on their way out, in tenth place. The flight attendants leave in last place. 

In the parking lot at the Pit Stop, Linda notices footprints and suggests a path to follow. Steve points out that they're headed into a river. Steve falls and lands on his backpack. Heh. 

Brad & Victoria are checked in as Team Number Six, and they comment their opinion that they may be the only team to do the entire cheese task upright. Phil has them turn around and, sure enough, their pants are perfectly clean. 

Jaime & Cara check in. Steve & Linda are still wandering about. "God, we're such dumbasses!" Linda says, and I'm not necessarily disagreeing with her. Kisha & Jen are Team Number Eight. 

Steve & Linda FINALLY find the Amazing Mat. Phil gives them a smile and a pop of the eyebrow that was probably loud enough to tip off the other teams to his location. They're Team Number Nine and glad to be there. 

Preston & Jennifer, and Christie & Jodi arrive at the Pit Stop almost simultaneously. A foot race begins, but Jennifer begins to slow down and the flight attendants pass her. At some point, as they approach the Amazing Mat, Preston has begun carrying Jennifer on his back. The flight attendants are checked in as Team Number Ten, and that's all for Preston & Jennifer, who are Philiminated. Viewers across the nation rejoice, as teams as irritating as this are so rarely knocked out early on. 

Next week: Linda is sad again. Also, lost. And, Margie & Luke are hurling pies at each other, but apparently it's not as hilarious as you'd think. Not to them, anyway. 

Have You Practiced Popping Your Eyebrow?

Just a reminder that the premiere of the 14th season of The Amazing Race will begin this Sunday night at 8:00 Eastern. Unfortunately, unlike Survivor, TAR continues to be shot in the usual low definition stuff rather than Hi-Def.

(I forgot to mention the HD images from Survivor last night: the show looks incredible this way. I'm so glad I upgraded my service. And my TV. And the cables. I even called BGE to ensure that they were sending me high-definition electricity for the LCD television set. They hung up on me. I know!)

Word is that we'll be watching eleven teams of two people, as usual, making their way in a racearoundtheworld (drink if Phil says it all as one word). The teams are the usual grab bag: a couple of hot chick pals who "aren't afraid to use their looks to get ahead", an intergenerational team--two of them, actually--siblings, and of course the Couple That's Using the Race to Determine Whether They're Going to Stay Together. Hey! I don't see the gay couple, or the long-distance daters!

We're also going to see nine countries, including Romania for the first time and Switzerland, India (naturally--can't have TAR without an India leg that includes some contestant getting her ass grabbed on the train), the People's Republic of China, Thailand and Russia (Krasnoyarsk and Novosibirsk), before wrapping up in Hawaii. Bertram van Munster says that this is one of the more intense races that they've had to run, what with the extreme climates and less time spent in the airports. I guess they'll just have to do their bunching somewhere else, like at gates waiting for places to open up in the morning.

I'm going to be in New York City this weekend but I should be able to get the recap up later on Sunday night.

Survivor 18-1: "Let's Get Rid of the Weak Players Before We Even Start"

OK, let me offer up an apology for anyone who actually considered following last season here. If you read my other blog then you know I got distracted by some medical issues. I'm better now. Really.

On the other hand, it wasn't that long ago that I was dealing with those medical issues. And it's already time to consider a new season of Survivor? Well, what the hell.

This season opened up with the players already divided into tribes, named Jalapao and Timbira. It's not an obvious division like Boys vs. Girls or Old vs. Young or anything else, for that matter. We're not told how they were split up, which is fine by me. Probst goes through his usual spiel about how this part of the world is beautiful and unspoiled, and CBS is here with cameras and several dozen people to put an end to that. Not in so many words, of course. Eighteen people, thirty-nine days...one Survivor!

In addition to being laden with contestants, the truck is also burdened with assorted supplies. As the truck parks, Probst gives the teams one minute to get whatever supplies they think they're going to need off the truck, which they'll take to their camp. During that minute, Timbira managed to take all of the water and all of the food sacks (beans, rice). Jalapao got melons and such, but nothing that they can store for any appreciable length of time. It's at this point that they're told that the march to their camp site will take about four hours.

Probst then tells the teams that they're going to hold a vote right away, and that therefore two people will not be making the trip with everyone else. So the teams, who have had very little opportunity to speak to one another (only during the supply run), have to vote based entirely on first impressions. Jalapao votes for Sandy, because she's an older woman, and Timbira votes for Cierra because they think she can't hack it in the heat already. Both of them express anger and dismay, and Cierra points out that she's been on antibiotics for three days because she's got strep throat. No wonder she looks sick: she IS sick.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), there's already a twist. This vote is not the elimination vote that everyone thought it was. All Probst had said was that the people voted on wouldn't be making the trip with the rest of the tribe. Instead, these two will be given a helicopter ride to their respective campsites. This is a good news/bad news thing: they won't have to march for four hours, but then again they won't be given the opportunity to bond with the rest of their tribe, which has already decided that they're not wanted.

At the campsites, Sandy and Cierra are each given the opportunity to either start building a shelter using the materials provided, or they can go look for a Hidden Immunity Idol. Cierra, seeing an opportunity to redeem herself in the tribe's eyes, starts building. Fortunately, the rest of the tribe apparently gets lost and takes what appears to be longer than the four hours to get there, so she's nearly done by the time they arrive. But still: she built a shelter for nine people with strep throat and a fever.

Sandy, on the other hand, thinks that she's going to be gone at the first Tribal Council her team sits in, so she goes looking for the idol. Which would be a great idea if she had some clue-solving ability. First she's told to go locate a stick in the sand by their beach and dig beneath it for the next clue. For all the time she had, she couldn't even complete this part--she hadn't found the next clue by the time the tribe arrived. Naturally, the tribe was pretty pissed that she hadn't done anything with the shelter.

The next day, Sandy managed to break away from the tribe, find the correct stick and dig down to the next clue, which directed her to walk ten paces toward "the lone palm tree". First there was the small matter of finding the tree, then she repeatedly noted that she didn't know what a "pace" was.

Come on in, Guys!

The first Challenge, which was a combination reward/Immunity, involved teams racing along a sandy course with some serious hills and valleys in it. At the end of the course is a raft full of planks, which are stair treads. The teams fish the planks out of the water, untie them and carry them back through the course to the base of the stairs, where two tribe members (from each team) are waiting. These two tribe members then put the right planks in the right places so that each team can ascend the stairway and another two tribe members can solve a maze puzzle at the top. It's probably not a coincidence that both Sandy and Cierra were selected to work on the stair treads.

Survivors ready? Go!

Both teams were roughly even for the retrieval portion of the challenge, but Sandy really rocked the stair puzzle for Jalapao, putting them into a big lead. Unfortunately, this came unraveled when Brendan and Erinn solved the maze for Timbira in short order, and we'll see Jalapao at Tribal Council tonight.

Still convinced that she's headed for the Loser Lodge Ponderosa, Sandy continues to search for the HII. However, Sandy's efforts at the Challenge were not unnoticed by some of her tribemates. Carolina, meanwhile, starts rubbing everyone the wrong way with her attitude. Apparently Brazil is too dirty for her taste or some such.

Tribal Council: Probst hates Sandy because she's old. Carolina admits she can be abrasive. Hardly anyone else gets to speak. The tribe agrees with Carolina's assessment and votes her out, 7-1.

Next week: There's going to be a beatdown! Or, you know, not.

Survivor Gabon Premiere Tonight

Season 17 of Survivor begins this evening beginning at 8:00 on the East Coast. I hope you have a "smart" DVR, because it's on the schedule as running until 10:01, which means that it'll crash into the first minute of the "ER" premiere. (I seem to remember ABC pulling that stunt a lot for "Lost", making it tough to record whatever the hell I was watching next.)

I don't know about how this one will be the "best ever" or whatever, but I'm pretty sure we're going to find ourselves once again laughing at people who act as though they've never seen the show (and, as I understand it, some of them haven't), trying to cast themselves in certain roles and failing or worse, succeeding, and just generally turning into Human Train Wrecks. Fun times!

Watch this space for a detailed recap of the episode. I hope to be finished with it by the time the weekend's over.